Some George Carlin quotes

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.

People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?

Some of my favourite quotes from George Carlin are about sports

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing.  That’s it, one swing, fuck you, you’re out. Sit down.

Hockey is not a sport - hockey is three activities going on at the same time: ice skating, playing with a puck, and beating the shit out of somebody

Riding a bus isn’t a sport… whyyy the fuck should SAILING be a sport?

I don’t know about you, but that’s what I’m looking for in auto racing: a nice crash and a car fire.  I don’t care who wins these races - it’s the same five rednecks who win all the time anyway - who gives a shit about these people? I gotta be honest with you, driving 500 miles in a circle does not impress me.

In fact all raquet games are derrivatives of ping pong - even volleyball is raquetless-team-ping-pong-played-with-an-inflated-ball-and-a-raised-net-while-standing-on-the-table.